Lying to Your Friends for the Greater Good

Mostly, when we enter friendships, there are unspoken rules we are expected to follow. We expect kindness. We expect companionship. We expect fun.

What we should not expect is 100 percent complete honesty.

Here's the thing: no matter what people say, most people do not want complete honesty. Nobody. Even if they say, "Be honest, I can take it," or "I want to hear the truth," they really do not want honesty, nor do they want the truth. When your friends say these things, what they really mean is, "I'm feeling very vulnerable. Be kind."

There are of course a million times when you need to be honest, and very few times when you need to lie. If a friend asks you if an outfit she's wearing looks good, it's your job to tell her if it doesn't. That's because an outfit can be changed.

But what if your friend asks you a question that (if you were honest) forced you say something you didn't want to say? What if it was a question in which the bluntly honest answer would be horrible for her to hear?

• "Am I fat?"
• "Do you like my boyfriend? Do you think he's cute?"
• "Is she prettier than me?"

Questions like this should never be answered with blunt "yes" or "no." Instead, the true friend will lie. We don't call it lying, of course. We call it "stretching the truth," or "smoothing things over." But let's get real. We're lying. And it's OK. In fact, it makes you a better person.

Going over the above questions, here is what a true friend will say:

• "Of course not! The average sized woman in this country is a size 14. You're fine!"
• "I like him a lot. He is totally cute."
• "Hell, no, she's not prettier than you! Paris Hilton is not pretty at all."

See where this is going?

A bad friend would answer those same questions honestly, and some say, hurtfully:

• "Yes, you are fat. You need to lose weight to look good."
• "I think he's a loser, actually. And he's not cute; in fact, I think he's one of the most unattractive guys I've ever seen."
• "Yes, she's prettier than you are. She looks just like Paris Hilton, and that's what conventional beauty looks like. Sorry, but you just aren't that beautiful."

So the next time a friend asks you a question to something that cannot be immediately changed do yourself (and her) a favor: be a good friend and lie to her.